In committed lesbian and queer relationships, finding the right balance between individual needs and couple goals is crucial.
It’s a delicate equilibrium where too much dependency can stunt growth, and too much independence can create distance and insecurity.
What does it really mean to balance these aspects in a way that’s healthy and sustainable?
Understanding Codependency
Before I delve into balancing acts, let me clarify what I mean by codependency in this context.
According to the Spann-Fischer Codependency Studies (yep, that Spann is me!), codependency is defined as “a dysfunctional pattern of relating to others with an extreme focus outside of oneself, lack of expression of feelings, and personal meaning derived from relationships with others.”
In many lesbian and queer relationships, this can show up subtly—like consistently sacrificing your own desires to keep the peace. Or feeling guilty for pursuing your personal interests.
Why Balance Matters
Healthy interdependence is the goal!
This is where both partners feel secure and supported. It’s about being connected enough to feel secure as a couple while also embracing each partner’s individuality and personal goals.
How to Explore Your Relationship Dynamics
This evening (or sometime soon), consider discussing this topic with your babe. Use these discussion points to better understand and improve your relationship dynamics:
- Self-Sacrifice Check: Reflect on time where you put aside your own desires to take care of your partner’s wants.
- Safety in Self-Advocacy: Talk about how each of you can support the other better, so that you both feel safe and encouraged to express your desires openly.
- Ideal Balance: Define your perfect mix of closeness and independence. Talk about how much alone time is beneficial for both your personal well-being and your relationship.
- Support System Exploration: Identify who or what makes you feel supported outside of your relationship. This can include friends, family, hobbies, or community groups.
- Growth Opportunities: Discuss any personal goals or interests you’d like to explore and how your partner can support these dreams.
- Recharge Rituals: Share activities that help you recharge independently and discuss how to integrate these into your routine to support each other’s space and needs.
3 Steps to Avoid Codependency and Foster Healthy Interdependence
To further strengthen your relationship and avoid falling into codependent patterns, consider these three strategies that support secure functioning in couples:
- Establish Rituals of Connection: Create daily or weekly rituals that connect you as a couple. This could be a morning coffee together, a nightly walk, or a weekly date night. These rituals help maintain closeness without feeling overwhelming.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Clear boundaries will help each of you understand where you end and your partner begins. Make agreements about personal boundaries around time, space, and activities. This clarity will support the balance of togetherness and separateness.
- Encourage External Support Systems: Both of you will benefit from having strong relationships in addition to your couple relationship. Encourage each other to maintain friendships and engage in hobbies independently. This will reduce the pressure on your relationship, and also nourish your personal growth.
Embracing Healthy Interdependency
These discussions and strategies will probably reveal how well you’re managing the balance between connection and independence.
Remember, it’s perfectly okay to need space. And seeking closeness is equally important. Finding your unique balance is what makes your relationship both sage, exciting, and enduring.
If these conversations feel challenging or if codependency issues seem deeply rooted in your relationship, consider seeking expert guidance. Sometimes, a little professional help is all it takes to forge a healthy path forward.
For further exploration or personalized relationship help, feel free to reach out or explore the resources available here at the Lesbian Couples Institute.
Every couple’s journey is unique, and finding the balance that works best for you is a path worth exploring.
We’re here to walk with you on your journey of love!
